Draft from The Past

I had barely put myself back together after a really deep heartbreak, and I didn't change for the better. I grew cold toward the world, acting like it had stolen the most precious part of me and blaming it for all my pain.

But people change when life gets hard. Pain freezes something inside you, and after a while, you just get used to living with the chill.

Then, out of nowhere, something soft and sweet comes along. When you’re used to the cold, warmth feels strange. It frightens you.

You pull away from happiness because you're terrified it won't last and you know your heart can't take being broken a second time. You worry you’ll never find someone who will hold your hand and walk  with  you through all your messy, broken pieces to help you feel again. So, you convince yourself that love isn't for you, and you retreat back into your shell to stay safe. (February 2017)

Reading those words again after more than 9 years, I wish I could tell my younger self that things don't turn out quite the way we fear. Fear actually fades faster than you think. The real challenge is what takes its place: trouble trusting people, and a quiet habit of closing yourself off.

Those feelings run deep. Even when someone wonderful comes into your life, genuinely wanting to build a future with you, you hesitate. 

You pause and ask yourself: "Is it worth risking this person?"

Because second chances aren't guaranteed. Sometimes, if you push good people away out of fear, you hurt them deeply and they don't come back.

So you have to ask yourself: is it really worth staying hidden in your shell, watching your life pass you by, without even trying?

We hurt ourselves so much by holding onto stories that ended a long time ago.

We forget that we're allowed to move on and build something even better. 

Time passing doesn't automatically make us wiser, but surviving hard things and learning from our mistakes does. It takes a lot of energy to fight our own walls, but once the dust settles, you realise the only thing left to do is finally let life back.